What Were You Wrong About? Wisdom That Comes with Age

On Wednesday, I listed the eleven common irrational beliefs enumerated by Albert Ellis and Robert Harper in their book, A Guide to Rational Living. This book served as the launching point for a recent discussion at Ask Metafilter. RapcityinBlue asked, “What have you been wrong about, realized it, and it changed your life?” This question generated sixty quality responses.

While many of the respondents had (knowingly or not) managed to overcome one Ellis and Harper’s irrational beliefs, each answer is unique. Plus, many other folks unique pearls of wisdom gleaned from years of hard knocks.

I’ve taken the time to collate some of my favorite responses, little pieces of insight that ring true to me based on my own experience. (I’m quoting excerpts below, and linking back to the extended answers at Ask Metafilter.)

Ruthless Bunny wrote: “I thought being dour and sarcastic and always finding the problems with things was the way to go through life…Actually, solving problems, being upbeat and helpful to others is a MUCH better way to go through life.”

ottereroticist wrote: “I thought I was lazy and inherently broken when it comes to getting things done…I learned that unconditional self-friendliness is a much more effective productivity tool than a harsh and accusatory inner monologue.”

phunniemee wrote: “Most people aren’t out to get you. Most people aren’t sitting in silent, seething judgment of you. Most people are too busy worrying about themselves, just trying to get through this.”

rpfields wrote: “I thought I had to please everyone around me or something terrible would happen/be done to me. Conversely, I also thought that being “nice” to everyone meant they were “obligated” to do the same to me. At the same time I craved some kind of permission to pursue my goals, and harboured tremendous resentment for those who “got to” do things…I am a much happier person now that I allow myself to do as I please (within the bounds of kindness and legality, of course) and recognize that others have the right to do the same.”

sevenofspades wrote: “I thought that if something was hard work, it meant that I wasn’t good at it. Not true. If it’s hard, it just means I’ve never really worked at it before.” and “I thought that you had to impress people, win them over, or flat-out buy them somehow in order to get them to be your friend. Woah was that wrong. True friends just love your company.”

rabbitrabbit wrote: “I have learned that minding my own business has made me happier and made people like me more.”

kimberussell wrote: “If I mess up, I admit it. I’m human and make mistakes. That’s okay. If I don’t know how to approach a project, I’ll ask for help. If you think I’m stupid, that’s not my problem. I’m not going to get hung up on what people think.”

telegraph wrote: “There is nothing protective about pessimism. I was convinced for a long time that if you expect a poor outcome, it hurts less. It’s actually easier to cope with failure if you spend most of your time celebrating and expecting the positive, building up your reserves of happiness and strength, instead of creating huge unceasing loads of psychic stress based on assuming things will go wrong.”

changeling wrote: “I have learned that I don’t always need to prove I’m right, especially in casual conversation, especially about dumb crap that doesn’t matter.” also “I will change in ways I can’t even anticipate.”

St. Peepsburg wrote: “I was too prideful to listen to others, especially their feedback of me. I assumed they really didn’t understand, and if only I could explain it clearly they would see it as I do. Now, I love feedback.” also “I also believed other people caused my feelings of fear or anger, and that they needed to change in order for me to feel recognized and safe. Now, I don’t need people’s validation as much. I don’t need their constant reassurance. I know who I am. And when I feel angry, it is my anger. When I feel insecure, it is my insecurity.”

mono blanco wrote: “I learned it’s ok to be a dilettante. Nobody’s grading you. Since then I’ve learned how to play tennis, speak a smattering of languages, put up shower rods, draw sketches, and play some blues. All half-assed, but with huge enjoyment.”

still_wears_a_hat wrote: “I learned that I don’t have to prevent every possible thing I can from going wrong. That I can deal with stuff when it goes wrong instead of trying to prevent every possible problem. It’s made a huge difference.”

Sullenbode wrote: “Feelings don’t obey logic. Having no good reason to be upset doesn’t magically make me not upset anymore. Rather than argue with myself about my emotions, I’ve learned to recognize when they’re just passing clouds, and let them pass.”

JohnnyGunn wrote: “I have become much more transparent in my old age. I tell it like it is when it comes to how I am feeling and what I am thinking. That does not mean I get to be mean, but rather life is too short to play games. Here is what I am thinking. Love me for who I am because that is exactly what I will do for you. Accept you for who you are. Also, I try things now. Be it food, a book, an idea, a trip, whatever, try it once.”

FauxScot shared several gems, including: “I discovered that if I took my time, my quality really would go up.” “I also discovered that something was finished when I decided it was.” “Help people out. Even if it costs a buck or some time. Don’t always insist on a financial payoff or even acknowledgement or appreciation.”

sonika wrote: “The minute you realize that yours is not the only plot that is going on around you, it truly changes your outlook. I’m oddly much more ok with doing things that others might perceive negatively (such as distancing myself from unhealthy relationships) because I’d rather be “that bitch” in someone else’s plot than make my own more difficult.”

Turkey Glue wrote: “I’ve learned to ask questions about things I don’t understand.”

talldean quoted the Buddha: “Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” talldean also shared this nugget: ” Lucky people aren’t as locked into a goal, so if something great happens to them, they accept it; it’s luck. Unlucky people pass by the great things to get to a more specific set of goals, but don’t always get where they wanted to go.”

Athanassiel wrote about the sunk-cost fallacy: “The falseness of continuing to do something which it becomes clear you should stop doing, simply because you have already invested a lot in it…Sometimes you really just have to cut your losses and walk away.”

Jandoe wrote: “I learned that staying in relationships out of a sense of obligation or pity was not a good reason.”

sio42 wrote: “Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and what you need, especially if it’s help.”

GorgeousPorridge wrote: “Status and money might make some people happy, but not everybody. If you’re not one of those people, it can be hard to live in a society where you are judged by your wealth or job title. But in the end, if you decide those things don’t matter all that much to you (and sometimes it’s hard to really conclude that they don’t), you’re wasting the only life you’ve got in order to fit in, and ultimately it’s a pointless sacrifice.”

Autumn wrote: “If someone is having a horrible go at life, you can’t swoop in and “save” them.”

That’s nearly 2000 words of great advice. In these responses are a lot of the themes we’ll cover at More Than Money in 2014.

What about you? What things were you wrong about? What have you learned during your sojourn here on earth that’s caused you to change how you think and act? What lessons can you add to this list?

Eleven Common Irrational Beliefs

In college, I was a psychology major. I didn’t do anything directly with this education, although it provided a strong foundation for my financial philosophy while I was writing about personal finance. Over the past two years, however, I’ve begun to read (and re-read) certain popular psychological manuals from the past fifty years. Though pop psychology gets a bum rap, there’s plenty of wisdom to be had from these books.

For instance, I recently stumbled upon some ideas from A Guide to Rational Living by Albert Ellis and Robert Harper. According to the authors, therapists hear certain irrational beliefs and attitudes repeatedly from their clients. Among the most common are these:

I must be loved by everyone or I am not lovable. I myself have fallen into this trap. I used to want to please everyone. If anyone disliked me, I felt unworthy. But nobody can please everybody, and it’s a fool’s game to try.
I must do everything well or I am not competent. I know many people who fall into this trap. From childhood, we’re taught to equate success with self-worth. As adults, many people become afraid to try new things because they don’t want to fail. Or they find ways to only do the things at which they know they’ll succeed. You can’t be good at everything, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.
I must condemn others if they don’t treat me well. (And the inverse: If I don’t treat people well, I’m a bad person.) People make mistakes. This doesn’t make them bad people. It’s how we respond to our mistakes that define who we are.
I must damn life if things don’t go my way. In his book Flow, Mihály Csíkszentmihályi writes: “The primary reason it is so difficult to achieve happiness centers on the fact that, contrary to the myths mankind has developed to reassure itself, the universe was not created to answer our needs.” Just because you experience misfortune doesn’t mean you should give up or get angry.
I have no control over my feelings and behaviors; my emotions are controlled by the people and events around me. You are the boss of you. You choose more or less the kinds of things that happen to you. What’s more, you’re totally in control of how you respond to life.
Because something is fearful or risky, I must be constantly concerned about it. I have a friend who is reluctant to attend crowded events because something bad might happen. It’s true, she might get stabbed or her purse might be stolen. Or worse. But the odds of these things occurring are very slim. Should she really sacrifice her life because something bad might happen?
I must avoid responsibility and difficulty in order to be comfortable and content; I can achieve happiness through passive inaction. In reality, inertia makes you fat and unhappy. You’re more likely to achieve wealth and happiness by pursuing purpose, by taking on meaningful challenges.
I must depend on others because I cannot run my life alone. Again, you are the boss of you. Nobody cares more about you than yourself. You can — and should — take charge of your own health and happiness.
I am controlled by my past; anything that once affected me must continue to affect me. My mother is a slave to this irrational belief. Even at age 65, she allows her self-worth to be defined by things her mother said fifty years ago. The past is the past. It only has power if you allow it to.
I must be affected by other people’s problems. You know those folks who seem to experience constant drama in their lives? From my experience, most of this drama comes because they allow other people’s problems to become their own.
There’s a right way to do things; if things aren’t done correctly, I must suffer. I know a couple of people who hold this irrational belief on a personal level, believing others are stupid for not doing things the way they would. But many more people suffer from this at a political level, becoming upset because others are not as conservative (or liberal) as they are.

As Ellis and Harper say, these are irrational beliefs. When you fall into these traps, your life becomes less than it could be. In order to be the best person you can be, you should actively work to shake off these modes of thought. And be honest about it. Look at the things that bother you about life. What is causing you the most trouble right now? Could it be the result of one of these irrational thought processes?

We’ll discuss many of these irrational beliefs (and how to overcome them) in the months ahead as we explore how to be happy and how to forge a life filled with freedom.

The 2014 Roadmap for More Than Money

As we begin our year-long exploration of personal and financial independence, I want to explain how I’ll approach the project.

Every Monday, I’ll post a chapter from my unfinished ebook. I’ll publish these chapters in order so that, if read consecutively, they form a coherent whole, an overall narrative. Yesterday’s article about the regrets of the dying, for example, was originally the book’s prologue. Next Monday’s article about fighting fear was the first chapter of the first section. Each of these chapters is short — between 250 and 1000 words — and meant to be easily digested.

On other days of the week, I’ll share related information I uncover as I go about my business. I might share a news story, for instance, or an interesting video. I might review a book or discuss a scene from a movie. Most often, I’ll link to articles at other websites. These non-Monday pieces will each be on topics related to our discussion, but they’ll come out of order.

In other words, while we spend the first few months of Mondays talking about how to face and overcome fear, on other days I’ll be publishing pieces about happiness, freedom, and financial independence. My article tomorrow is about common irrational beliefs, for example. Later this week, I may share some of Ramit‘s thoughts about mastery.

So, our year will have a clear, defined progression. But we’ll also spend time jumping from topic to topic. I think this will keep everyone from getting bored.

How can you help? I’m glad you asked!

If you have a story or insight, post it to the comments. Your contributions will add color and complexity to the conversation.

If you’d like to contribute a guest post, please do so. As long as it’s well-written and relevant, I’ll publish it.

When you read something you like, share it. The more people we can get involved in the discussion, the richer we’ll all be.

If, as you go about your daily routine, you read or hear of something that’s appropriate to these themes, drop me a line. I don’t publish my email addresses anywhere, but they’re relatively easy to figure out. (Hint: I also have a gmail account.) If all else fails, leave a comment to tell me what you’ve found.

Lastly, this plan means that More Than Money will feature at least one post per week during 2014. If things go well, it’ll usually contain more. (I’m aiming for three per week, but we’ll see.)

That’s it for now! I’ll see you tomorrow to examine eleven common irrational beliefs.

The Regrets of the Dying

For the next year at More Than Money, we’re going to have a conversation about how to obtain personal and financial independence. To begin, I want to talk about death.

Australian singer-songwriter Bronnie Ware worked in palliative care for many years, spending time with men and women who were about to die. As she nursed her patients, she listened to them describe their fear, anger, and remorse. She noticed recurring themes.

In 2009, Ware wrote about her experience in a blog post that went viral. She turned that article into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying. When people die, she says, they often express one or more of the following sentiments:

“I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” People (especially men) often find themselves trapped on what economists call the “hedonic treadmill”. They work to achieve material wealth and status, which should bring happiness but doesn’t. Instead, they want more. So, they work harder to achieve even greater wealth and status, which should bring happiness but doesn’t. And so on, in an endless cycle. People trapped on the hedonic treadmill are never happy because their reality never meets their ever-increasing expectations.

“I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.” In order to keep the peace and avoid rejection, we sometimes bottle our emotions inside. But refusing to be open and honest leads to a life of quiet desperation. Sure, the barista at the coffeehouse might laugh if you ask her to dinner; it’s also possible that dinner could lead to the love of a lifetime. On your deathbed, you’ll regret the things you didn’t say and do far more than the things you’ve done.

“I wish I’d stayed in touch with my friends.” In Aging Well, George Vaillant summarizes more than fifty years of Harvard research into adult development. “Successful aging [is] best achieved in relationship,” he writes. “It is not the bad things that happen to use that doom us; it is the good people who happen to us at any age that facilitate enjoyable old age.” In The Blue Zones, his book about populations of people that live longer than most, Dan Buettner writes that two secrets to a long and healthy life are making family a priority and finding the right “tribe”. At the end of their lives, people who failed to foster friendships regret it. (Here’s my summary of The Blue Zones.)

Common attributes among Blue Zones

“I wish I’d let myself be happier.” Happiness is a choice. Your well-being doesn’t depend on the approval or opinion of others. Happiness comes from one place and one place only: You. Because this idea is key to personal and financial success (and because it’s so well-documented in happiness research), we’ll discuss it at length in the months to come.

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, and not the life others expected of me.” Ware says this regret is most common of all. “When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it,” she writes, “it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled.” We spend too much time doing the things that others expect of us. (Or the things we think are expected of us.) But living for the approval of others is a trap. We can never hope to please everyone. In fact, it’s nearly impossible to please anyone – other than yourself.

These regrets share a common theme. In each case, the dying lament having spent too much time seeking outside approval instead of focusing on their own feelings, values, and relationships. This is true regardless of wealth and social status.

Ware is not a nurse and she’s not a scientist – her observations are based on experience, not empirical data – but, from my reading, her conclusions match the research into happiness and human development.

Money can’t buy happiness – at least not directly. Money is a powerful tool, it’s true. Abused, it brings sorrow and suffering. Used wisely, it opens doors, delivers dreams, and fosters joy. Although wealth is no guarantee of well-being, the more money you have, the easier it becomes to flourish.

The bottom line: You don’t want to be rich – you want to be happy.

On your deathbed, you want to have lived a life without regret. To do that, you need to face and defeat your fears. You need to find joy in day-to-day activities, and then use that happiness as a platform to procure passion and purpose. And you need to forge freedom, both personal and financial.

This blog will show you how. Over the next year, we’ll explore each of these topics, and we’ll discuss specific strategies to improve your life. I’ll share what I know, and I hope that you’ll share your knowledge and experience too.

More Than Money: A Blog About Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness

As promised on Friday, More Than Money is about to become a real blog with useful information and instructive stories. After fifteen months as a sandbox, I have a plan for 2014.

I’ve spent much of the past three months writing an ebook about personal finance. As part of that, I generated nearly 50,000 words on the relationship between personal and financial freedom. This material covers overcoming fear, pursuing happiness, and forging freedom. I think it’s some of the best work I’ve ever produced. Unfortunately, it’s not appropriate for my ebook.

That’s okay, though, because now those 50,000 words are going to form the backbone of a year-long journey at More Than Money. Every Monday morning (starting tomorrow), I’ll share one short “chapter” from this unpublished ebook.

Over the next twelve months, I’ll intersperse this material with interviews and stories, as well as summaries of related articles from around the web. Plus, of course, I’ll continue to share my travel adventures.

At the end of 2014, my goal is to collate all of this information into a downloadable ebook I’ve tentatively titled More Than Money: A Guide to Wealth and Happiness. (So, yes, I’ll be converting an unpublished ebook into blog posts and then converting these back into an ebook. Crazy, huh?)

You can help. As the year goes along, please provide feedback on the material I publish. And if you have anything to contribute to the conversation, please do so. Share your stories. Share related articles. Share books that you’ve read. I want to foster a year-long conversation about what it means to be happy and free. I’m glad to have you along for the ride!

My Goals for 2014

The older I get, the less value I see in pursuing goals. Sure, it’s great to have something to work toward, and there are a variety of instances in which goals can be useful. But generally speaking, I’ve come to believe that setting goals is simply an attempt to create extrinsic motivation to accomplish something that you’re not intrinsically motivated to achieve, and that’s just crazy.

Thus, I no longer make a list of resolutions for the new year. I used to come up with whole catalogs of things I wanted to change about myself. In time, I reduced that to just a handful of annual goals. Now I don’t set any resolutions at all. Instead, I hope to make a lifestyle out of doing the things I want, when I want.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, this attitude means that I’m much more flexible and adaptable than I once was. I “go with the flow”. I’m more concerned about what is happening in the present than what will happen in the future.

Having said all that, I do have a general idea of the direction my life is headed. I have a destination in mind. (The difference between the present and the past, however, is that I’m not wedded to this destination; I’m open to a change in paths at a moment’s notice.)

So, where am I headed in 2014? Though I can’t say for certain, here’s my current itinerary:

I’m going to learn to play the guitar. My father used to play the guitar at family gatherings. I loved listening to the cousins sing while he strummed along. In grade school, I played violin. In high school, I sang (poorly) in the concert choir. In college, I took a semester of piano lessons. But mostly, I’ve ignored the musical side of me, and that’s too bad. I love music. It’s an important part of my life. Kim too comes from a musical family. This year, I’m going to spend a lot of time learning the guitar, just as I learned Spanish in 2011 and 2012. I had my first lesson yesterday — my fingers are sore! — and I’ve scheduled a second for next Thursday. I intend to practice about an hour a day. My hope is that by the summer, I can sit with friends around a campfire and play guitar while they sing.

I’m going to refresh my Spanish skills. Speaking of Spanish lessons: I haven’t much practice with the language since I stopped working with my tutor about eighteen months ago. That’s too bad. Learning Spanish was invigorating. It made my mind come alive. I miss it. I need to find ways to practice formal grammar, but also to practice speaking. My plan is to practice Spanish a bit every day, too. I have dozens of Spanish-language comics and novels. Plus, I have access to Spanish-language music and television (which helped me learn in the first place). I’m going to tap into these resources daily. And if this doesn’t work, I’m going to sign up for a class to force me to practice.

I’m letting go of deadlines. One of my big realizations last year was that I just do not work well with deadlines. Maybe it’s my ADHD, but I like a looser work environment, one that allows me the freedom to explore. Deadlines don’t do that. Deadlines loom like the executioner’s axe, and they make me feel frantic. When I miss them, I sink into a guilty depression. So, I’m going to finish with the few deadlines remaining in my life, and then not take on any more. (Exception: In some cases, like speaking at a conference, there’s no way to avoid a deadline. I’m okay with that.)

I’m going to work for myself. After decades of working for other people, I spent a few years working only for myself. It was wonderful. Over the past couple of years, though, I’ve allowed myself to slip into situations where most of my work goes toward the projects of others. Though there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, I’m not as happy as when I was pursuing my own agenda for my own edification. I want to return to that, so I’m going to finish my current obligations and then focus on my own projects.

I’m going to focus on fitness. I say this every year, and for good reason. Left to my own devices, I’d happily eat junk food and drink booze until I was the size of a house. By constantly putting fitness at the top of my priority list, I’m able to arrest some of my bad behavior. Last year, I didn’t do as well as I’d hoped. I didn’t gain any weight, but because I did very little exercise during the first nine months of the year, my muscle began to convert to fat. For the past three months, I’ve been lifting weights four times a week. My muscle is returning. I’ve also been doing a “bulking” program, but I don’t like how fat that’s made me. So, I’m going to cut back on the calories. I’m also going to re-introduce cardio to my life. I feel strong right now, and am confident that within a couple of months, I’ll be as fit as I was in 2012. And I’ll keep it that way.

I’m going to re-visit the world of fiction. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. Since first discovering the fun of inventing my own stories when I was in the third grade, I’ve wanted to write fantasy and science-fiction novels. In high school and college, I loved to write poetry. It’s only by accident that I stumbled into non-fiction writing as a career. While I’m glad to have had a decade to explore this avenue, I feel ready to return to the world of fiction. As soon as I finish my current obligations, most of my writing time will be spent telling stories. Should be fun!

I’m going to post regularly at More Than Money. When I quit my full-time work at Get Rich Slowly, I intended to write regularly at this site. As regular readers know, I haven’t been wholly successful. Part of this is because I’m still doing deadline-based work for other people. But part of it is due to lack of direction. Well, I now have direction. While working on my current e-book project, I produced a ton of material about personal and financial independence (based around the talk I gave in Ecuador last September). This material isn’t appropriate for the ebook. But it is appropriate for More Than Money. In fact, I realized recently I have enough material for one post a week for all of 2014. I’m going to use it. And I’m going to supplement it with book reviews (on financial books and success manuals, etc.) and interviews and stories. In short: After fifteen months as a sandbox, More Than Money is about to become a real blog. Yay!

As you can tell, I’ve thought a lot about each of these things. I’m an introspective fellow, and I’ve spent the past few months thinking about what excites me and how I can better make use of my time. These are the activities that make me eager to get out of bed every morning.

What about you? What plans do you have for 2014? Do you set resolutions or goals? Or do you simply use the new year as a time to reflect on your direction and make course corrections?

Whatever the case, I wish you joy and happiness in the days to come.

Note: I say I’m not setting goals for 2014, yet I’ll confess that I’ve started a spreadsheet named “2014 goal tracker”. I’m using it to log my weight, my bodyfat, my waist size, my alcohol and sugar consumption, the time I spend on Spanish and writing and guitar and exercise, and what media I consume. Maybe it’s not so much a goal tracker as an activity log. In any event, it’s designed to help me be more aware of how I’m spending my time and what I’m doing to my body.