Fun

There are 54 posts filed in Fun (this is page 5 of 6).

New Games

I got together with Andrew and Dave last Thursday night to play some games. It was fun. I haven’t played games (aside from occasional Settlers of Catan) in ages. I miss it. (Note: though I’m not a huge fan of Settlers, I would love to have this 3-D deluxe set. I’ve seen it in a store. It’s gorgeous. Also, here are some rules for Armed Settlers of Catan!)

I picked up a couple of new games last week while I was out Christmas shopping. After doing some thorough research (paying special attention to Defective Yeti‘s good games guide), and after listening to the recommendations of the people at Rainy Day Games, I picked up Ticket to Ride and Shadows Over Camelot.

Ticket to Ride is ostensibly a railroad game. Some of you may be surprised to learn that in the games market there’s an entire sub-genre of train games. Bizarre but true. Ticket to Ride owes much to a previous game called Transamerica in which players take turns placing little wooden rail lines across a map of the United States. Transamerica, however, was so simplistic as to be tedious. (I still feel as if I must have missed some important rule someplace — the gameplay is mindless.)

Ticket to Ride maintains the “lay rail lines across a map of the United States” aspect of Transamerica and adds the “load cards” concept of the Empire Builder games. Players have “ride tickets”, each of which lists a route between two cities. If you complete this route during the course of the game, you receive bonus points. If you do not complete a ride ticket you receive negative points. (This is very important and adds an interesting wrinkle to things.) To complete the gameplay, players accumulate train cards of different colors. If the board shows that the rail line between Houston and New Orleans is two orange tracks long, for example, a player can complete this section of track by collecting and playing two orange train cards.

The three of us agreed that Ticket to Ride feels somewhat like Rummy in concept. It was fun, though it’s probably more fun with four or five players. (As few as two players can play, which makes this game unusual.)

We also played Shadows Over Camelot, which is a co-operative game with a twist. Co-operative games are part of a newish genre that hasn’t garnered many fans. Some people (including myself) like the idea of working together, but co-op games often just are not fun to play. There was a Lord of the Rings co-op game released a few years ago that received much acclaim. I own it and have played it several times with various groups. One or two groups have even beat the game (which is difficult). Despite the game’s good reviews, I’ve never enjoyed it. Much of the gameplay seems forced, as if the players have no choice in their actions. It’s not fun. When I mentioned my concern to the woman at Rainy Day Games, she was quick to assure me that Shadows Over Camelot wasn’t anything like that. “It’s co-operative,” she said, “but each player has a wide range of choices. Plus there’s always the possibility that somebody might be the traitor.”

The premise of Shadows Over Camelot is that each player is a Knight of the Round Table. Each knight has a special ability. During the game, the knights undertake various quests, attempting to acquire special relics and white swords which represent fame and valor. Failure to complete quests earns the group black swords. Earn more white swords than black and the crusade is successful; any other result is failure. The game would be fun if that was all there was to it (and when I played with Andrew and Dave, that was all there was to it), but there’s an added twist.

The game includes eight “loyalty cards”. Seven cards are labeled “loyal”, but the eighth is labeled “traitor”. Before play begins, each player draws a loyalty card at random. The greater the number of players, the more likely it is that somebody has drawn the traitor card. The traitor subtly works to sabotage the efforts of the rest of the knights. By the game’s midway point, knights may begin accusing each other of being the traitor. If a traitor is discovered, he stops being a knight and simply acts as an ever-present malignant force. Gameplay is cleverly designed to encourage suspicion of others: sometimes a knight must make an action the looks malicious but which is in actuality the best choice at a particular moment.

The game was fun with three players and no traitor card involved. We were salivating at the idea of how fun it must be with seven players and a likely traitor in the midst. (The only drawback to that many players would be the wait between each person’s turn. Turns go quickly, but waiting for six players to go is always going to seem tedious.)

(For more on Shadows Over Camelot, check out Defective Yeti’s review.)

I’d forgotten how much I enjoy playing a good game. At one time, we played board games with Mac and Pam several times a month. (Our other get-togethers were all about bridge, bridge, bridge.) For about a year, Kris and I even hosted a monthly game night. Lately, though, gaming has been a rare thing in our lives. I miss it. I’m toying with the idea of hosting an irregular game night. “I’d probably have to lift the ‘no kids’ rule,” I mentioned on Thursday. (Our rules before were: no kids, no alcohol, bring your own food.) “No way,” said Andrew. “People can find babysitters if they want to play games.”

So, there you have it: you game-playing folk in the Portland area, I may re-institute an irregular game night some time in the near future.

On Friday night, I attended my second poker night at Sabino’s. Last month, I finished fourth out of twelve, just one person out of the money. This month I finished fifth out of fourteen, just one person out of the money. sigh Last month, there were several times when I played like I oughtn’t: bluffing, etc. This month, I did well until we got down to just six players. Then the cards just weren’t coming and the blinds bled me dry. I paid to see a few flops (with AQo, for example, or 89s), but nothing ever panned out. I’ll be that happens quite a bit. My tally now in three poker games: I’ve spent $65 to buy-in, and have won $49, so I am $16 in the hole. I’ve placed 4/12, t1/6, 5/14. Okay for a raw beginner, I think. (Caution: I’ve made “poker” and “holdem” prohibited words in the comments.)

Christmas MP3s From Santa

Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

Have you been good boys and girls this year? Well then Santa will share a little present: some of his favorite holiday songs. All my little elves have gathered these together and given them proper mp3 tags so that they’ll import nice ‘n’ pretty into iTunes.

These songs are from all different styles from all different eras, but each is one of Santa’s favorites.

Ho ho ho! Enjoy!

Santa realizes he should have posted these a week or two ago so that you could all listen to them while baking cookies and wrapping presents and trimming the tree. He hopes you enjoy them nonetheless. Now, if you please, Santa must go watch Love Actually (his favorite holiday film) before loading up his sleigh.

(Perhaps next year Santa will repost these. Sometime Santa will post the CD image for the Christmas mix he made five years ago: it’s a fantastic mix that never gets old. Santa even listens to it during the summer sometimes. Several of the songs here are on that mix.)

Darth Vader vs. a Herd of Goats

There are suddenly lots of people who want to see Darth Vader play with goats. When you’re finished, you may want to read my review of Attack of the Clones (I hated it); read my rant on why Star Wars sucks; check out my memories of growing up with Star Wars as part of the Star Wars generation; read why I like the new Battlestar Galactica; or, perhaps, learn the things I didn’t like about the Lord of the Rings films.

I had a real entry planned for today, but this image (from an out-of-control thread on Metafilter) has me busting my gut so that I cannot write:

I know that’s a lot of bandwidth, but it’s worth it.

Let me catch my breath…

Lest you think it’s only Darth Vader who has such power over goats, here’s the undoctored image in which you can see that even umbrellas strike fear into the heart of these tiny ungulates:

Oh, lordy, my side aches.

I also liked this image from the same thread:

I’ll have to post my “what I did over Thanksgiving weekend” stories tomorrow (assuming I stop laughing by then).

Hot Cocoa and Toast

Ah, what a lovely Sunday morning. What a fine thing it is to have slept late, lingering in bed with my wife by my side and the cats at our feet.

We slide out of bed and tumble downstairs. Kris feeds the birds, and we watch through the windows as the finches and jays and chickadees compete for the various seeds. Kris brews a mug of tea, then a second. We sit at the dining room table, looking at Walnut, the fat squirrel in the tree, as he forages for nuts and seeds in the feeder. The jays wait impatiently for him to leave.

“Isn’t it funny how he hides his peanuts,” I say. “Look at him climb down the tree and hide them in the lawn. He’s lucky there aren’t any cats around.” While he’s on the ground, the jays fight a peanut battle, squabbling over the tastiest treats.

“Look at that!” exclaims Kris. “It’s a bird of prey. It looks like a falcon.” She runs to grab the bird book, from which we learn that the bird is, indeed, a peregrine falcon.

Uncommon in open areas, especially near water. Nests on cliff ledges or (recently) on buildings or bridges in cities. Solitary. Hunts from perch or from high in the air, stooping on prey at very high speed…Feeds mainly on small or medium-size birds. Sleek and powerful, with very pointed wings and relatively short tail. Prominent dark “moustache” unique; also note uniformly patterned underwing. Voice a series of harsh notes rehk rehk rehk…

Why is a peregrine falcon sitting in our walnut tree? The squirrel doesn’t like it and, in a startling display of bravado, makes a sort of lunge at the bird, which is easily twice its size. The falcon is cowed, or willing to humor the squirrel. It sloughs from the tree and curves away on the strength of three or four wingbeats. A marvelous sight.


Not our falcon.

“We have a great house for birds,” Kris says, and I murmur agreement.

“What shall we do today?” she asks, finishing her tea.

“I have no motivation,” I say. “All I want to do today is to lay around the house.”

“That’s fine,” she says, “but promise me you’ll finish raking the leaves.”

“I’ll finish raking the leaves, but not until this afternoon. I want to move slowly. I want a hot bath. But first I want some hot cocoa and toast.”

Nothing is finer on a cold November Sunday than hot cocoa and toast, the preparation of which is almost a religious ritual: retrieve the blender and the toaster, plug them in, heat the milk on the stove, toast the bread ’til it’s golden brown and then slather it with honey, cut the cocoa tablet into chunks and dump these into the blender, pour in the steaming milk, turn the blender on.

Nothing is finer on a cold November Sunday than hot cocoa and toast.

While I wait for the cocoa to froth in the blender, I fetch The New York Times from the end of the sidewalk. “Hello, Nemo. Are you hunting birds?” The air is brisk, the grass is damp; I do not want to rake the leaves. The paper has a fine heft. I peel the two plastic bags that protect it and, as I walk back up to the house, I scan the headlines.

Nothing is finer on a cold November Sunday than hot cocoa and toast and The New York Times. Nothing is —

Holy shit!

On the counter, the blender has become a fountain of hot cocoa. I drop the paper and punch wildly at the buttons. The cocoa-spout continues. Why? There’s the problem: the blender is not gushing from the top, but from around the base. The pitcher on top of the blender has started to come unscrewed, and the hot cocoa is spewing from the bottom, all over the counter, all over the toaster (plugged in and toasting!), all over the floor. Screw the top back to the base! Unplug the toaster! Quick! Where’s a towel? The bathroom!

“I’m not messy!” I call to Kris. I’m not messy is one of my common refrains (others of which include I’m not clumsy and Kris Gates is always right). “I’m not messy” actually translates into “Oops, I made a mess again” because, in reality, I am messy.

Here’s Kris. She’s taking stock of the situation. “Why are you using a nice bathroom towel to mop this up?” she asks. “There’s a whole stack of kitchen towels on top of the fridge.”

“Well,” I explain. “I lost a lot of cocoa. There are probably two cups on the counter.” I direct her attention to the black cocoa-fall trickling down the cabinets.

“Oh my god,” she says. “I’m going upstairs.” And she does.

Why do we have so many things on the counter? I have to move them all, wipe them all with hot water. When I’ve moved everything, I’ve revealed a small pool of hot cocoa.


When I was nearly done with cleanup, I remembered to snap a photo.

Five minutes later, I sit down at the table and spread open The New York Times. I read about Elia Kazan while drinking tepid cocoa with toast.

Mashed Potatoes with Ketchup

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, in part because it seems to last forever. A four day weekend? Who wouldn’t love a holiday that granted that?

I also love Thanksgiving because it has the best food of any holiday. Most years, it’s my job to make mashed potatoes for the family gathering. I generally try to make enough so that there are plenty of leftovers?

Why?

Because then for several days after, I can enjoy one of my favorite breakfasts: mashed potatoes with ketchup.

It’s hard to say exactly when I started eating mashed potatoes with ketchup. Maybe I was in eighth grade, maybe in fourth. I also used to add jelly, but that habit died quickly. Kris, of course, doesn’t care for my breakfast of champions. “That is gross,” she tells me.

“It’s delicious!” I say. “You like french fries and ketchup, don’t you?”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“You’re right,” I say. “It’s better.”

And it is.

Sudoku!

A couple of weeks ago, the Sunday New York Times featured a new puzzle called sudoku, which is apparently popular in Japan. It’s a sort of self-checking number-based crossword without clues. Confused? Don’t be. There’s only one rule.

Given a 9×9 grid, fill in all blank cells making sure that each row, column, and 3×3 box contains each number from one to nine.

The above puzzle is very, very easy. Believe me: they can be much more difficult. Brain-wrackingly difficult. Sudoku are rated in difficulty based on the numbers provided, the ease with which other numbers can be found, and the number of guesses required to solve the puzzle.

The real problem is sudoku is addicting. Last night in the grocery store, I saw a sudoku magazine. I tried to resist the urge to purchase it, but failed. I spent most of my evening doing sudoku. I solved easy puzzles, then medium puzzles, then hard puzzles.

I’ve spent too much time this morning trying to solve two difficult puzzles. I’ve exhausted elementary logic tricks and need to find some more elaborate methods of finding the correct numbers. I’ve gone to the web in search of help, and found:

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to the two sudoku that I’m stuck on. Must finish. Must.

Comments

On 13 September 2005 (09:29 AM),
Amanda said:

I have been totally and utterly addicted to sudoku since it was featured in USA Today in July.

Best puzzle ever.

You can download a 28-day trial from http://www.sudoku.com. Their rating system is a bit wonky, though. For example, the medium puzzles are pretty hard. The hard puzzles, well, I’ve only managed to solve two of the approximately 50 I’ve attempted. The very hard puzzles aren’t even available on the trial version. That scares me.

On 13 September 2005 (12:29 PM),
Courtney said:

A friend turned me on to Sudoku about a month ago and I have completed 3 puzzles EVERY day since (easy, medium, hard.) I found a great site with free puzzles that change daily: www.miniclip.com/sudoku. You can do them online or print them out. I’m totally addicted and glad to know I’m not the only one. Andrew asks me why I do them…he should just try one and see for himself!

On 13 September 2005 (01:04 PM),
Colleen said:

I adore Soduko! I’ve always loved logic puzzles, but I think this is my favorite. There is also a Mac App for Dashboard, love it!

On 13 September 2005 (02:30 PM),
J.D. said:

I’m pretty excited here: I just solved my first “challenger” level sudoku (to use Dell’s terminology). I bit the bullet and scribbled candidate numbers from the start, and it helped. Once I’d entered all the candidates, I was able to find one weak spot and then the entire puzzle toppled (though in slow motion).

On a whim, I timed how long it took me to do one of each skill level in my magazine. It took me 10:37 to solve the easy puzzle, 16:43 to solve the moderate puzzle, 23:53 to solve the hard puzzle, and 28:59 to solve the challenger puzzle. (Note that I’ve failed at three other challenger puzzles; they have me stumped.)

On 13 September 2005 (02:43 PM),
J.D. said:

In contrast, the easy puzzle I included in this entry took me 7:28 to solve. I’m sure there are people who could do it under five minutes. Maybe in under three minutes.

On 13 September 2005 (03:24 PM),
Count Dooku said:

Did somebody say Santoku?

On 13 September 2005 (07:55 PM),
Nikchick said:

I recently got hooked on these puzzles too, and have the application for my Palm. I spent an entire flight working on one puzzle. Kate is much better at them than I am.

On 14 September 2005 (01:47 PM),
Amanda said:

Yeah. Your example puzzle was definitely an under three minute super easy one.

On 15 September 2005 (12:13 AM),
John said:

I’ve completed one of these puzzles, and was actually sweating before it was over. Dunno what skill level it was – probably “stoopid easy” – but I was plenty frustrated. Handling numbers is normally a trivial matter for me, but that puzzle left a mark.

Thanks, but I’ll stick with my normal regimen of crossword puzzle, cryptoquip, and jumble. At least I feel comfortable doing those with a pen.

John

On 15 September 2005 (06:45 AM),
Kristin Wold said:

Here’s another cool sudoku site to add to your list: http://www.sudokuhints.com

Online solver with five new graded puzzles every day, hints, pencilmarks, and an archive with over 500 puzzles.

On 15 September 2005 (10:28 PM),
Geoff said:

The miniclip website is weird. I just finished the hard puzzle in 6:02 and the easy in 5:58. I can’t beat the medium in under 8.

On 18 September 2005 (03:21 PM),
Olivier Verdin said:

Check out Sudoku Prime and play multi-user Sudoku puzzle with your friends…Have fun!

Too Much Cat

I’ve been meaning to do an all-cat post, but haven’t got around to it. A post on boingboing today has spurred me to action. Here is all the goofy cat stuff I’ve ever found, collected in one place. Enjoy. (Or not.) There are three funny cat movies at the end of this post.

(Note: some of these may be experiencing heavy traffic today due to the boingboing link. You may need to check back later. Also, my favorites on this page are marked with a bold asterisk *.)

From the boingboing post:
Kitty cat dance
Caution: cat vomit
Animal reviews: cat
My cat’s football picks
*Screen cleaning kitten

How to give your cat a pill
Cat yoga
Cat buckaroo
Miyahi
Stack the cats
*Kitten bounce
Kitten attack

*Pinky the cat
Aroma of brains
Cat drummer
Steptoe kittens
I’ve snorted a kitten
Piruleta
Badly drawn cats
*kitten war

Previously in the flotch:
Tips on spinning cat hair
The silly sleeping pose olympics
*The thumb-sized heart of TK the cat
*Cat vs. dog: to the victor go the snacks
Mapping the cat brain
Are cats for true Christians?
Juvenile felis catus
Amazing cat photo collection

The further adventures of Scrooge the cat
Can cats get high from eating frogs?
*Abbie the cat has a posse
List of fictional cats
I gave my cat an enema
How to toilet-train your cat
My cat Annie
The Litterbox Cat Band

Previous foldedspace entries about cats (only the best ones):
*CatFilter, a collection of all the cat-related questions from AskMetafilter
*I am interviewed by Toto the Cat, in which I am interviewed by Toto the cat
*The blood of a squirrel, in which Simon catches a squirrel and Nemo is jealous
Cat pictures, in which I photograph the cats
Weekend at Rosings Park, in which I photograph the cats again

Cats and dogs, in which I write about other webloggers’ pets
Simon Grey, in which I post photos of Simon
*How 2 cach a burd by toto gates, in which Toto describes her unstoppable bird-catching technique
Prize-winning cat, in which a photo of Simon does well at the county fair
Tintin is dying, in which the Best Cat Ever is diagnosed with just a few months to live
Satchel is dead, in which Tintin’s replacement lasts only six months

And, finally, I’m hosting three cat movies:
Spacecat — a cat in a weightless environment; poor thing
Teasing cat — one of Nick’s all-time favorite downloads; he watches this over-and-over, laughing the whole time
Funny cats — a “funniest home videos” compilation that I watch over-and-over, laughing the whole time

You gotta love cat movies.

If you know of more cat stuff, let me know. I’ll post it here.

From Denise:

Pre-Crash Comments

On 18 May 2005 (04:54 PM),
Lane said:

www.shopcat.com

This is a site run by my cousin. She and her husband, when travelling, take pictures of cats that live/work in various stores. My cat, at a much skinnier age, is the sponsor of the Page of Silliness.

On 18 May 2005 (09:06 PM),
Genie said:

Really wonderful pictures- and funny too!!!

On 19 May 2005 (09:01 AM),
Amanda said:

Fun, fun, fun!

(although the humping pictures kinda skeeve me)

On 19 May 2005 (10:21 AM),
jenefer said:

What is skeeve? How do you conjugate that verb?

On 19 May 2005 (12:56 PM),
Amanda said:

‘Skeeve’ is the plural of the more commonly used ‘skeeves,’ as in, “That lecherous old man staring at me really skeeves me out.”

This is what dictionary.com had to say about the root form of the word, skeevy:

1 entry found for skeevy.
Main Entry: skeevy
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: disgusting or distasteful; nasty, sleazy
Example: Wal-mart is a skeevy operation.
Etymology: from Italian schifo ‘disgust’
Usage: US

The best part of that definition, by far? The example. I can’t stop laughing.

On 23 May 2005 (12:16 PM),
Amanda said:

P.S. Lindsay Lohan used the term “skeeved out” on SNL Saturday.

P.P.S. Not that I think anything to do with the Hohan might even remotely prove my point.

Only Joking

Those of you with sensitive natures may want to avoid this entry.

I’ve never been able to tell jokes. I’m not a good orator under any circumstance. I can, however, appreciate a good joke, especially a good joke told well.

I suspect most of my audience does not read Matthew’s wonderful Defective Yeti, and thus missed the other day’s joke extravaganza.

As a public service — and because I have nothing better planned for today — here are the best jokes from the bunch, as determined by my gut. These are the ones that made me laugh out loud. (But please, when you’ve finished, go visit the site. There are plenty of others that might make you laugh even harder.)

These were all posted by various visitors to Defective Yeti. None of these are mine. If you’re worried one (or more) of these might offend you, turn back now!

Person 1: Knock knock.
Person 2: Who’s there?
Person 1: Control freak.
Person 1: Now you say “control freak who?”

Q: What’s the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
A: George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other, and says “Does this taste funny to you?”

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off — go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

What has four legs and one arm?
A pit bull in a playground.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

[I think this first made me laugh in third grade. It still makes me laugh:]

Why do ducks have flat feet?
To put out burning camp fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To put out burning ducks.

[I’ve resisted the urge to include lawyer jokes, but only because I didn’t find many of them:]

What do you call 10,000 drowned lawyers?
A good start.

Two atoms are leaving a bar when one realizes that he left his electrons back in the bar. His friend asks, “Are you sure?” “Yes,” he replies. “I’m positive!”

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.

Q: Someone that knows three languages is trilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language?
A: An American.

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

Little Red riding Hood is walking through the forest on the way to see her grandmother. She sees the wolf crouching down beside the track. “What big eyes you have!” she says. “Get lost,” says the wolf, “I’m taking a crap.”

[This only makes sense if you’ve seen the film Mary Poppins:]

In the course of his religious career, Ghandi walked all over India — barefoot. He also ate very sparingly and, sorry to say, oral hygiene was not at the top of his agenda. He was the super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[For some reason, I’m a sucker for lightbulb jokes. Who knew?]

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Juan.

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to screw the lightbulb in and two to sing a folk song about it.
[Kris says the above is not funny, but Nick and I think it is…]

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
THAT’S NOT FUNNY!

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
That’s not funny at all.

How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Ten. One to change it, nine to say they could have done it better.

How many divas does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. The diva holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
It only takes one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.

How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
LET’S RIDE BIKES!

Jesus is sitting in a square in Nazareth, when a crowd approaches. They throw a woman, bound and beaten, at his feet. A man at the front says to Jesus, “Rabbi, this woman was found in the very act of adultery, and under the law of Moses such women are to be stoned. What say you to this?”

Jesus replies, “That the one among you who is without sin may cast the first stone.”

A rock flies from the back of the crowd, striking the woman square in the forehead, killing her instantly.

Jesus stands, looks over the mob, and says, “Mom, sometimes you really piss me off!”

[I don’t particularly care for dead baby jokes, not because I find them offensive, but because most of them just aren’t funny. Here are a couple that made me laugh:]

How do you make a dead baby float?
Start with a blender and two scoops of ice cream…

What’s worse than a baby nailed to a tree?
A baby nailed to a puppy.

[Drum roll please…my favorite joke of the bunch, the one that made me laugh the most, and perhaps the tackiest of the lot:]

A Buddhist monk, a Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest are in an orphanage when the fire alarm goes off. The Buddhist monk exclaims, “A fire! We must save the children!” The rabbi says, “Fuck the children!” The Catholic priest says, “No time!”

Now that I’ve shared all those, and maybe one of you is left unoffended, I have to ask: why do so many jokes come at the expense of one class of people or other? Many jokes play on cultural stereotypes and prejudices in order to derive comedic effect. Would the “How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?” be as funny — and it is funny — if it didn’t play on popular conceptions (and misconceptions) about feminists?

For the most part, I’m okay with this aspect of humor. True or gentle humor at the expense of a class of people seems acceptable. But why does it so often cross the line? If you read through the Defective Yeti joke thread, at some point the jokes stop being funny and start being offensive. And where is this line? Is it different depending on the audience? Depending on the teller of the joke?

What’s truly disturbing is how many of these offensive jokes use women as their butt. I live in some happy little world where equal rights for women have been achieved. Moreover, women are treated with respect. I’m fooling myself; upon reading through the 258 jokes it became clear that there is a hell of a long way to go yet. (And that racial intolerance is still with us, not to mention a great deal of homophobia.)

Comments

On 26 October 2004 (08:43 AM),
Denise said:

Who is Michael Jackon?

;)

On 26 October 2004 (08:48 AM),
J.D. said:

Oops. I tried to correct all the spelling/grammar errors, but missed that one. Curiously enough, it was originally “Micheal”, but I caught that error. I wonder how missed the Jackon? I fixed it now.

Incidentally, Kris’ Aunt Jenefer just left a great comment on yesterday’s entry, a story about a partially domesticated blue jay. Go read it. It’s great.

On 26 October 2004 (09:32 AM),
Joel said:

I laffed at several, thank you.
I read an article some months back (and how many conversations do I start with that phrase? From now on it’ll just be “IRAASMB”) about the history of jokes and, after going back to the first recorded joke book (ancient Greece, I think, who apparently found lettuce to be very risque’) and working their way forward, the authors wound up largely agreeing with you. Most jokes revolve around agression toward women.
Why? Because they’re scary!

On 26 October 2004 (09:38 AM),
Amanda said:

Funny!

I’m not an overly PC person to begin with, but when it comes to jokes I make an effort to turn off the social conditioning. The reason jokes about women and minorities are sometimes funny is, well, because they are! Stereotypes exist for a reason. I’m not saying that makes them good or bad, but I figure laughing is good for everyone.

On 26 October 2004 (09:57 AM),
Denise said:

I am warped. I love the Little Red Riding Hood one.

On 26 October 2004 (10:02 AM),
Lisa said:

Many of these are truly funny. My childhood favorite theme was the no arms and no legs jokes… What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob. On a wall? Art. Etc.

You haven’t one aspect of humor that doesn’t rely on demeaning people: the element of surprise. I think that people often laugh because they weren’t expecting the punchline. I often laugh for that reason, as well as pleasure at a well-turned phrase or reference.

On 26 October 2004 (10:08 AM),
Lynn said:

What? No pirate jokes? AARRGGHH!!

On 26 October 2004 (12:12 PM),
Dana said:

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A fish.

Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Only one, but the house falls down.
A2: None, that’s a hardware problem.

Q: How many smurfs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but they screw in little houses, not in lightbulbs.

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead!

Q: How do you drown a crossdresser?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of a pool.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The light bulb’s own internal contradictions will inevitably lead to revolution.

—-

The joke itself is pretty long, but the punchline to the greatest Physics Joke of all time is:

“First, assume a spherical chicken.”

On 26 October 2004 (12:47 PM),
Dana said:

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to put it most of the way in, and one to give it a surprise twist at the end.

Q: How many policemen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It turns itself in.

Q: How many gods does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and one to rotate the Universe.

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The problem is left as an exercise for the reader.

On 26 October 2004 (01:15 PM),
Dana said:

Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, who gives it to two Mystery Writers, thus reducing this to an earlier joke.

——

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.

“How interesting,” observed the astronomer, “all scottish sheep are black!”

To which the physicist responded, “No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!”

The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, “In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black.”

—-

What is the shortest mathematicians joke?
Let epsilon be smaller than zero.

—-

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First they see two people enter the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people leave.

“Well, look at that,” said the biologist. “They must have reproduced!”

“No,” said the physicist, “the initial measurement wasn’t accurate.”

“Well, I’ll tell you one thing,” said the mathematician. “If one more person enters, it’ll be empty!”

On 26 October 2004 (01:17 PM),
Drew said:

A baby nailed to a tree. I’m in stitches.

On 26 October 2004 (01:28 PM),
Johnny said:

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said. “No. I hate myself now.” (Rodney Dangerfield)

On 26 October 2004 (01:32 PM),
Denise said:

…may he rest in peace…

On 26 October 2004 (01:59 PM),
Susan said:

From my 7 year old daughter:

Q: What color is a Chili dog?
A: Blue.

Q: Why is the mad scientist never lonely?
A: He can easily make new friends.

On 26 October 2004 (02:02 PM),
Amanda said:

From a 4-year old I ran into in the vet’s waiting room:

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9!

On 26 October 2004 (02:52 PM),
J.D. said:

Dana’s “empty” joke is my favorite of those in the comments. That’s pretty damn funny. :)

On 26 October 2004 (10:02 PM),
Andrew Parker said:

I’d always heard it as a “perfectly spherical horse”…

On 26 October 2004 (10:52 PM),
Lynn said:

Ok, fine. I guess I’m the only one who’s into pirate jokes.

A pirate walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender gets his drink and as he hands it to him, he says to the pirate, “Do you know that you have a steering wheel sticking out of the zipper of your pants?”

“Arggghh, matey,” says the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”

On 27 October 2004 (07:23 AM),
Dana said:

I’d always heard it as a “perfectly spherical horse”…

Sure — it’s a variation on the same joke. I’ve also heard it as “assume a perfectly spherical cow.” It’s the same joke, just slight variations.

On 27 October 2004 (07:52 AM),
J.D. said:

Now that I’ve searched out the joke, neither chicken nor horse make much sense. The punch-line is, “First assume a perfectly spherical cow…”

Don’t believe me? Google is your friend:

“perfectly spherical chicken”: 2 results
“perfectly spherical horse”: 8 results
“perfectly spherical cow”: 83 results, including this page of math jokes, on which you can find the joke in question (which really is amusing, though not as funny — to me — as some of the above)

On 27 October 2004 (08:43 AM),
Dana said:

It’s still the same joke, no matter what animal is involved…

On 27 October 2004 (08:53 AM),
Johnny said:

Imagine a perfectly spherical Johnny…

On 27 October 2004 (09:30 AM),
Jeff said:

I’m offended! …because you left out Mennonite jokes.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Mennonites were fighting over a penny.

On 27 October 2004 (11:08 AM),
Courtney said:

HOW MANY Unitarians DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

On 27 October 2004 (12:21 PM),
Amanda said:

Courtney takes the cake.

On 01 March 2005 (10:11 AM),
alauddin said:

sent me jokes which make laugh and question also

thanking you
yours faithfully

alauddin

On 07 March 2005 (01:19 AM),
Annie said:

OK– I have lightbulb jokes, if you can stand one more post.

How many Conservative Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two– One to screw the bulb in and one to steady the chandelier.

How many Liberal Democrats does it take?

Two– One to change the bulb and one to stop his knees from jerking.

How many Libertarians does it take?

None– If he wants to sit in the dark that’s HIS business!

When the bullet hits the bone!

I find your lack of faith disturbing. I find your lack of faith disturbing. I find your lack of faith disturbing. I find your lack of faith disturbing. I find your lack of faith disturbing.

[Radar Men From the Moon]
Commando Cody will save the day!

From “Hills of Death”, episode six of the 1951 Republic Serial Radar Men From the Moon:

Graber and his henchman return to Krog’s cave hideout after escaping from Commando Cody. They’ve spent the past three episodes (unsuccessfully) trying to get money so that their employers, prospective invaders from the moon, can continue to finance their campaign of terror. As they give Krog the stolen payroll, a message comes over the radio.

Redik: Redik calling Krog. Redik calling Krog.
Krog: Yes, your excellency. I was about to call you to report that we’re just about to put our ray gun into operation again.
Redik: I have another mission for you first. Do you have an atomic bomb strong enough to start a volcanic eruption in the Mount Alta crater?
Krog: Yes, but an eruption in that mountainous area would do very little damage.
Redik: On the contrary! It will do a great deal of damage. The present atmospheric conditions on Earth indicate that an eruption would cause torrential rains, and the resulting floods should seriously disrupt transportation and defense measures.
Krog: Excellent idea. We shall carry it out at once.
Redik: Very well. Then start an intensified campaign with the ray gun. Earth’s defenses must be completely broken down before we can risk an invasion from the moon.
Krog: Yes, your excellency. [to Graber:] You heard the orders: charter a plane and drop one of our atomic bombs into the Alta crater. Nature will do the rest.
Graber: Okay. When do we do it?
Krog: At once! I will get you the bomb. [He gets a box from beneath his workbench, and pulls out an atomic bomb. He hands it to Graber.]

[photo of psychotic-looking Paul]
Would you share curry with this man?

[Bmidji!]

[the famous Limecat]

YOU are the lowest form.

YOU can’t procreate alone.

YOU destroyed the village.

YOU destroyedchildhood.

YOU don’t know the Truth.

YOU are educated stupid.

YOU are your own poison.

YOU worship cubeless word.

YOU ARE ALL DUMBYS!

[Jesus Quintana tongues his bowling ball]

[photo of man kissing a dolphin]

I find your lack of faith disturbing. I find your lack of faith disturbing. I find your lack of faith disturbing. I find your lack of faith disturbing. I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Comments


On 22 January 2004 (11:30 PM),
Dana said:

Help I’m stepping into the Twilight Zone…

Right?



On 23 January 2004 (08:23 AM),
Denise said:

Who sang that song “When the bullet hits the bone?” I know, I could look it up, but it will give you something to do.



On 23 January 2004 (08:27 AM),
Amanda said:

Denise, it’s Golden Earring.



On 23 January 2004 (08:28 AM),
Dana said:

Golden Earrings (or something like that) — follow the link in my first post for the lyrics =)

Oh, and JD? The Paul Bunyan picture is not Brainerd, it’s Bemidji…



On 23 January 2004 (08:38 AM),
Tiffany said:

Somehow this is geekier then the computer talk.



On 23 January 2004 (08:55 AM),
Lynn said:

WAY geekier.



On 23 January 2004 (09:09 AM),
J.D. said:

Dana, my love:

  • Of course it’s Bemidji. The link isn’t Bemidji, though. Doo-dooh-doo-dooh.
  • The song is “Twilight Zone” by Golden Earring. Not Golden Earrings. Not “Bullet Hits the Bone”.

Lyrics:
(Somewhere in a lonely hotel room there’s a guy starting to realize that eternal fate has turned its back on him.)

“It’s 2 a.m., the fear has gone. I’m sitting here waiting with the gun still warm. Maybe my connection is tired of taking chances. Yeah, there’s a storm on the loose: sirens in my head. Wrapped up in silence, all circuits are dead. I cannot decode. My whole life spins into a frenzy.

“Help! I’m slipping into the Twilight Zone. The place is a madhouse; it feels like being cloned. My beacon’s been moved under moon and star. Where am I to go now that I’ve gone too far?”

Soon you are gonna know — when the bullet hits the bone.

“I’m falling down a spiral, destination unknown: a double-crossed messenger, all alone. I can’t get no connection, can’t get through. Where are you?”

Well, the night weighs heavy on his guilty mind. This far from from the border line. And when the hitman comes, he knows damn well he has been cheated. And he says:

“Help! I’m slipping into the Twilight Zone. The place is a madhouse; it feels like being cloned. My beacon’s been moved under moon and star. Where am I to go now that I’ve gone too far?”

Soon you are gonna know — when the bullet hits the bone.

Trivia:
When Kris and I were on our honeymoon in Victoria, B.C., we went to see a movie (The Fugitive with Harrison Ford). There was music playing in the theater before the film started, including this song, and now I always associate the song with that moment. (Well, that and the time me and Jeff danced around in the living room when we first heard the song.)



On 23 January 2004 (09:31 AM),
tammy said:

Yikes, this is scarey! Where’s JD? Somebody has taken over his blog. Oh, for the days when we could come here and read all that boring stuff about his latest geeky gadgets!



On 23 January 2004 (09:40 AM),
Dana said:

Dana, my love:

Shhhhh! Don’t tell Kris! ;)

Ming the Merciless



On 23 January 2004 (10:26 AM),
Denise said:

Golden Earring? Then who sang Radar Love? Did they sing that, too?



On 23 January 2004 (10:27 AM),
Denise said:

…and I must add, “When the Bullet Hits the Bone” is a GREAT choice to be playing in the back of my head as I look at your entry!



On 23 January 2004 (10:43 AM),
Kris said:

Did Jd really say “me & Jeff”?



On 23 January 2004 (11:03 AM),
Lynn said:

Even with the egregious grammatical error, the mental picture of JD & Jeff dancing about the living room to that song is hilarious. So, was it Tom Cruise in his underwear in Risky Business kind of dancing? Or Patrick Dempsey doing a Discovery Channel dance in Can’t Buy Me Love kind of dancing? I just want the appropriate scenery to go along with the song in my head.



On 23 January 2004 (11:13 AM),
Tiffany said:

Golden Earring sang both ‘Radar Love’ and ‘Twilight Zone’ that had the line “When the Bullet hits the Bone”.



On 23 January 2004 (11:32 AM),
Dana said:

So, does anybody think JD will get around to explaining what exactly brought on this wave of surreality?



On 23 January 2004 (11:49 AM),
Amanda said:

Yikes, this is scarey! Where’s JD? Somebody has taken over his blog. Oh, for the days when we could come here and read all that boring stuff about his latest geeky gadgets!

*laughs at Tammy*



On 23 January 2004 (02:53 PM),
mart said:

prime example of why you shouldn’t blog when drunk



On 23 January 2004 (04:42 PM),
Joel said:

And hypoglycemic.

Mini Bagel Dogs

Custom Box Service runs a cafeteria of sorts for its employees. Every week, I make a trip to Costco to restock the fridge and cupboards. The Schwan’s man comes once a month.

You might think that a group of Mexican guys would eat a lot of burritos and quesadillas and chimichangas, and you’d be right. Lately, though, this traditional faire has been supplanted by a single delicacy from Costco:

Mini bagel dogs.

That’s right: my predominantly Mexican crew cannot get enough of mini bagel dogs.

These tender morsels, produced by Sinai Kosher (“Kosher never tasted so good!”) are just like the wiener wraps that you remember from the grade-school cafeteria, except that they’re made with a diminutive dog wrapped in bagel dough instead of bread dough.

The crew currently eats, at a minimum, one bag of mini bagel dogs each day. Jesus eats the most mini bagel dogs. He ate 105 mini bagel dogs last pay period. The pay period contained twelve days. Jesus is eating nine mini bagel dogs a day, almost two bags a week. The rest of the crew — three guys in the shop and the four Roth boys — eat about three bags a week.

They are good, but should the crew really be eating a bag of them every day?

Each bag of Sinai Kosher mini bagel dogs (“bagel dough wrapped around kosher beef cocktail franks”) contains about 28 mini bagel dogs. According to the nutrition facts, each mini bagel dog contains:

  • approximately 62.5 calories
  • approximately 3 grams of fat (1 gram of which is saturated fat)
  • 5mg of cholesterol
  • 130mg of sodium
  • 7 grams of carbohydrates (with only a trace of fiber)
  • and 2 grams of protein

A mini bagel dog contains no appreciable vitamin content. Four of these pups make a serving.

The mini bagel dogs contain the following ingredients:

Dough: enriched wheat flour (bleached wheat flour, malted barley flour, iron, thiamine, niacin, riboflavin, folic acid), water, vegetable shortening (contains shortening chips made from hydrogenated soybean oil), dehydrated onions, sugar, yeast, malt, dehydrated eggs, salt, dough conditioner (sugar, salt, malt barley flour, mono-diglycerides, wheat gluten, calcium sulfate, ascorbic acid, enzyme), calcium propionate (added to retard spoilage).

Frankfurter: Beef, water, corn syrup, salt, natural flavorings, isolated soy protein, dextrose, sodium erythorbate, extractives of paprika, sodium nitrite.

Mmmmmmmm…

I’d probably be a much healthier person if we didn’t run this cafeteria.

I bought some strawberries at Costco yesterday. They’re “California coastal” strawberries — whatever that means — and, as you’d expect from strawberries picked at the end of January, they’re not very good. Still: they’re strawberries, and I’m eating them in the dead of winter. You can’t beat that!

On this day at foldedspace.org

2004 —
Ebony and Ivory
  What was the first record album you ever owned? Also: the etymology of the word Flotch.

2002 —
Creative and Analytical
  My mind seems to have two major modes of operation: Creative Mode and Analytical Mode.

Comments


On 05 February 2003 (12:32 PM),
Dave said:

Proof positive that the American ability to supply fat, cholesterol and sugar is unparalleled by anyone anywhere in the world. This is why the French fear us!! The United States, taking over the world 350 calories at a time.



On 23 August 2004 (08:03 AM),
Jim Sideris said:

Costco in Santa Barbara & Santa Maria, Ca no longer carry the mini bagel dog! Where else can they be purchased!



On 23 August 2004 (08:03 AM),
Jim Sideris said:

Costco in Santa Barbara & Santa Maria, Ca no longer carry the mini bagel dog! Where else can they be purchased!



On 30 October 2004 (06:46 PM),
Lois said:

I also have discovered that COSTCO is no longer carrying the mini bagel dogs. I even contacted the company- Mt. Sinai is a division of BEST….and they did not help me locate a way to purchase them. My child LOVES these mini dogs…and he has only about seven foods that he likes. PLEASE ADVISE how to find them!



On 12 December 2004 (05:51 PM),
beth said:

I ALSO WANT TO FIND THIS MT. SINAI BAGEL DOGS — PLEASE EMAIL ME IF YOU FIND IT! PLEASE PUT BAGEL DOGS IN THE SUBJECT LINE.



On 12 December 2004 (05:51 PM),
beth said:

I ALSO WANT TO FIND THIS MT. SINAI BAGEL DOGS — PLEASE EMAIL ME IF YOU FIND IT! PLEASE PUT BAGEL DOGS IN THE SUBJECT LINE.



On 12 December 2004 (05:52 PM),
beth said:

I ALSO WANT TO FIND THIS MT. SINAI BAGEL DOGS — PLEASE EMAIL ME IF YOU FIND IT! PLEASE PUT BAGEL DOGS IN THE SUBJECT LINE. bekebeel@aol.com



On 14 December 2004 (08:06 AM),
Jill said:

Ok, I have some facts to share with those of you also searching for Sinai Kosher Mini Bagel Dogs. As you know, Costco doesn’t carry them anymore. I spoke to the manufacturer and actually Sinai Kosher doesn’t make mini bagel dogs any longer. However, a sister brand (Best’s Kosher) carries its own version of the mini bagel dog.
I have posted a customer comment on Costco’s website, asking them to begin carrying the Best’s Kosher brand of mini bagel dogs as soon as possible. Please do the same — the more customer’s that request Costco to carry it, the more likely they will.
I don’t think the warehouse staffers have any control over adding products to their shelves so the website seemed to me like the best route.
In the meantime, I have found a couple smaller grocers in my area willing to order some, IF they can find a distributor of the product (the search is on). If you also pursue this route, it may be helpful for your grocer to know that Best’s Kosher is a brand owned by SaraLee. Good Luck!



On 27 January 2005 (01:30 PM),
Steve said:

Actually, I first got addicted to bagel dogs from buying “Bernie’s Bagel Dogs” which were stocked at Sam’s Clubs many many years ago. Unfortunately, nobody stocks them and I’ve been searching. I found this site by doing a google search.. Ohwell, I’ve got an Einstein Brother’s next door, they seem to sell bageldogs as well.



On 14 May 2005 (11:08 AM),
janice said:

Please let me know where bagel dogs can be purchased in Austin, Texas. We are desperate.

Thank you.



On 25 May 2005 (12:37 PM),
Alina said:

Has anyone had any luck finding any bagel dogs in Southern California?



On 28 May 2005 (12:10 PM),
mina said:

I found them at Safeways in central and Northern California , and actually fill a carry on bag with them when I come home to southern california . I have asked my local Von’s (Which is a sister stire to Safeways , but no luck.
Please some one help me find them locally or a websight I can order from.



On 22 August 2005 (06:38 PM),
Cheryl said:

While also looking for a supplier for mini bagel dogs, I came across this website.

http://www.omahasteaks.com/servlet/oh?DSP=14&AID=1500&IID=4689&SiteID=hLUPakqa5g4-hUdBBOJS8gg%2FJW1%2Aq3mBqQ

Who in their right mind would pay that much?

NOT ME

I was able to find two packets of I think 20 each or so at Safeway. I didn’t count, I just wanted them. I went to find more later, and had no luck. When you ask an employee, they think you are talking about bagel bites. I guess they don’t get out much.

So as like many, I am still looking again.



On 30 August 2005 (11:26 AM),
e graham said:

My son adores the minibagel dogs that we got at costco both in sequim WA and Lewisville TX as well as Tom Thumbs stores in DFW area last year- however this year am unable to find anything similar- does anyone out there know of a store in the DFW area that carries them?