Money and Meaning

Just under three years ago, I started a new blog. I’d been writing here at foldedspace for five years, and had great fun interacting with my friends and family (and the small community that had grown up around our interactions). We argued about politics, about religion, about comics, about Truth.

I started my money blog on little more than a whim. I thought I could help other people while also helping myself. Surprisingly, it worked. That site attracted a following, and at the same time it became my livelihood. Last year I made more money than I’ve ever made in my life.

But a funny thing has happened, one which a few of you have had a chance to glimpse. Though I love my work, and though I’m happy to be earning my living from writing, at some point I became a workaholic. J.D. the lazy became J.D. the driven. Was it because my work was producing so much income? Was it because of the praise I received? I don’t know.

As I became more and more engrossed in my work, I began to leave other things behind. I stopped reading. I stopped seeing my friends. I stopped learning Latin and going for walks in the country. I left a part of me behind.

Over the last few months, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching. I’ve been asking myself what it is I really want. I’ve dug myself out of debt and even set aside a nice nest egg (though taxes are going to reduce that from “nice” to “a little”). I’ve changed my financial habits. I’m not tempted to buy every book or magazine or videogame I see. In fact, they rarely tempt me at all. So, I no longer want money.

I think what I want is meaning. But how do I find that? To some extent, my meaning will continue to be derived from Get Rich Slowly. As I’ve said before, I truly feel as if I’ve found my vocation. I’m helping other people develop a better relationship with money. But that cannot be my only source of meaning.

Tammy, who still visits foldedspace now and then, will tell me that I’ll find meaning through God. That’s one way. But I think it’s possible to find meaning and purpose through other avenues as well. I look around at my friends, and most of them have children, and these children help to provide meaning. That’s another way, but again, it’s not for me.

I’m not sure there’s an easy answer to this question. (In fact, I know there’s not; people have wrestled with it for centuries.) What I do know is that I’m ready to broaden my horizons…

A Do-Nothing Day?

I’ve complained a lot lately about how busy I am. “I’m a workaholic,” I told Mac yesterday.

“No,” he said. “You’re a stressaholic.” Ouch.

I want to believe he’s wrong but, well, there’s evidence that he’s right. I can’t say no to anyone who wants my time. I take on far more than I can ever complete. It’s not good.

What I find enlightening, however, is how I’m reacting this morning. I’m sick. Yesterday afternoon and evening, I began to feel nauseated, and I developed a fever. The fever’s been running at 102 for the last 12 hours. I cannot sleep. I need to throw up, but I can’t let myself do it. (I hate throwing up.)

More importantly, it’s time to take a break. When I’m this sick, there’s just no way for me to be productive. And yet doing nothing doesn’t seem like an option. I feel like there are so many things on my list, and doing nothing leads me to fall further and further behind.

I stopped to think this morning: When was the last time I actually did nothing for a day? I can’t remember. I watched the first half of Aliens about a month ago, but felt guilty for not working so I stopped midway through. Other than that, I can’t remember the last time I read for pleasure, or watched television, or browsed my comics.

So today I’m going to try to do nothing. I’ll read some comics or watch a movie or, well, sleep. Sleep sounds good.

But right now, maybe I’ll try to go throw up.

Leaving My Comfort Zone

As many of you know, I’ve begun to push myself in new directions. My personal finance blog has been wildly successful, and because of this I’ve been presented with new opportunities.

Public speaking

For one, I’ve been offered some speaking engagements. I spoke to graduating students at Western Oregon University last spring, and last weekend I gave a talk at the Multnomah County Library. Though I was one course shy of a speech communication minor, making presentations to groups right now scares the hell out of me. It’s tough.

I console myself with the knowledge that I will get better with practice. It used to be that I was very nervous when I met “imaginary friends” for coffee or lunch or dinner. (“Imaginary friends” being Paul J.’s term for internet-only friends, a term that has found common usage in our house.) But now I’m very comfortable meeting these folks, and even look forward to it.

Might it be possible that I’ll eventually feel the same way about speaking to groups?

Media appearances

Even more intimidating than public speaking are the occasional media appearances I make. Since my disastrous first live radio interview, I’ve had a couple of other television and radio appearances. These have been of mixed quality. In all cases, I was tense tense tense tense tense. And in one case — the series of interviews being broadcast this week on KPTV-12 — I really think I did a poor job. (It makes me sick to watch these.) But, in general, I think I’m improving.

The real test will come tonight. I’m scheduled to appear on KGW-8’s “Live at 7” program to speak about frugal Christmas gifts. Once again, I am tense tense tense tense tense. After speaking with friends and family, though, I have some goals. Paul H. suggested that I try to speak more slowly, and so I will. I’m also going to try to take a moment to compose my thoughts before answering questions.

Again, I’m hoping that by continuing to do these things that I hate, I’ll actually get better at them.

Book deal!

Okay, so that subheading is premature. I don’t have a book deal. I haven’t even completed a proposal. However, I have agreed to work with an agent from Waxman Literary Agency. Next up: a book proposal, which we hope to have done in a couple of months. Then, assuming it gets picked up, an actual book. Who woulda thunk it?

This, too, is scary, but in a better way than the previous two things I listed. I know how to write. I feel confident in my abilities. I’m not worried about my ability to create a quality book.

However, each of those first two things I listed — public speaking and media appearances — will be critical to the success of my book. I’ll need to be able to present myself in a variety of situations if I want to promote the book and encourage its success.

Building confidence, destroying fear

It seems strange to me that little foldedspace has led me to so much more. I know that many of you long for the days when I wrote about comic books and cats and computers. I miss those days, too. But I’m not sure that they’ll ever return.

In the meantime, the seeds I planted here have grown into something amazing, something that has let me climb higher than I thought possible. I’m well on the way to achieving my dreams.

Your Life Unfolding

Sometimes you read or see something that connects with you on a deeper, almost spiritual, level. David sent me a short video that contains some pieces of wisdom that really resonate with where I am in life.

Narrator: What is the most important thing you have learned in life?

Dan Millman: If I only had one sentence to say to somebody about life, it would probably be, “Trust the process of your life unfolding.”

I don’t know if it’s true or not that everything that happens if for a highest good and learning, but I choose to take that on as an operating belief in my life. Because I can never choose to feel like a victim. Then instead of saying, “Why did this happen to me?” or “How come? Is God Punishing me?” if this is a difficult time, instead I can only say, if I chose this on some level, I might as well make the best of it.

I tell people that at least 10% of what I say is going to be wrong for you. You need to determine which 10%. Discriminate. Have your bullshit detector on, turned up. You check it out against your own inner knowing, because I’m not here for people to trust me, I’m here to help people to trust themselves.

Narrator: I love this journey. I get to live my dream, travel the country, and meet amazing people. The only time I really screw it up is when I try to control it instead of just letting it unfold as it should.

Lately I feel like I’m too inclined to micro-manage my life and the things I’m doing. I don’t enjoy that micromanagement. I think that in many ways this attention prevents my life from actually happening. I’m always worried about how other people are going to react when I should just relax and let life unwind. I should just be myself.

Hello, Autumn

Autumn is here. The days and nights are getting colder. My usual strategy for coping with the chill is to bundle up. This morning, though, I couldn’t shake the cold. I turned on the heat for the first time since April, and sat at the kitchen table drinking a mug of cocoa.

As I ran a hot bath, I sat and watched the leaves fall from the walnut tree. I mowed the lawn yesterday, so the grass beneath the tree is short, like a carpet. There’s no wind to speak of, but still yellow dying leaves are drifting down in waves. It’s as if a group of leaves hatched a plan: “Let’s all jump at the same time.”

The cats aren’t pleased with the change in seasons. First of all, there’s not enough light. Second, it’s raining too often. Third, although they have fur, they’d prefer not to have to rely upon it to stay warm. Finally, they no longer have freedom of movement. During the summer, the doors are open constantly, and they can come and go as they please. Not now. Now they have to ask to be let in and out, but they don’t like asking.

Mornings like this are slow. They’re nice. But I need to have some productive mornings. During the week before our vacation, I worked hard to prep articles for the time we’d be gone. It’s been nearly two weeks now since I worked at such a frenzy, but I can’t seem to muster ever a little motivation.

That’s okay, though. I have stuff ready to go through this weekend, for the most part. I still have time to sit at the table, sipping a mug of cocoa, watching the leaves fall.

Why I Blog

“Are you watching YouTube again?” Kris asks me nearly every day. Usually I am. She doesn’t get it. But to me, YouTube is just another form of blogging. Both are new forms of community, ways to express yourself and to interact with other people (most of whom are strangers, no doubt, but who can become acquaintances — or friends).

The following video is an hour long, but it does an outstanding job of capturing the mood, the mentality, and the motives behind blogging. Even though it’s about YouTube:

The world is a mess lately: economic turmoil, a contentious Presidential election, and rumors of doom from the corners of the globe. But, for whatever reason, this new interconnectivity gives me hope.

A Comics Geek Gets Serious

I originally intended to post this at Get Rich Slowly, but Kris rightly noted that I’ve beat this topic to death lately. I’ve revised it for posting here.

I’ve spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about my motivation for collecting comics. On some level I do it because I’ve always done it. I’ve been buying comics for 35 years. It’s a part of me. It’s a habit. But more and more, I’ve come to realize I don’t enjoy all of the comics I buy. That’s the main reason I’ve been able to cut my spending on them so sharply over the past few years.

After two days of introspection, I realized that what I really enjoy are the comics I remember from my youth, the ones I might have picked up at the grocery store or the mini mart when I was six, or twelve, or sixteen. I’ve decided to focus my collecting on the years between 1975 and 1986.

Making this decision is a huge relief. It gives me direction. Now I can look at my bookshelves and know exactly which anthologies to sell and which to keep. Now I can budget for future purchases. Now when I stumble on a stack of comic books at the thrift store or a garage sale, I won’t feel the urge to buy them all.

I’m actually excited in a geeky sort of way because I’ll be able to apply several of the techniques I’ve shared at Get Rich Slowly:

First, I’m going to purge some of this Stuff from my shelves. I’ll sell the books on eBay or the Amazon Marketplace. The money I earn from selling these books will be used to fund my future purchases.
In fact, I’m going to create a special savings account specfically for my comic collecting. Initially, this will act exactly like the stuff replacement fund I wrote about last week. As I sell the comics I no longer want, the money will go into this account.
Even more exciting (and I can hardly believe I’m saying this), I’m going to set a comics budget. That’s right — J.D., the man who does not budget, is going to create a budget for one aspect of his life. I’m going to place $50 a month into my comics fund.
To implement my monthly comics allowance, I’ll make an automatic transfer from my checking account into an ING Direct subaccount. It’s from this pool of money that I’ll allow myself to buy now books.
I’ll draft a list of goals. It may seem silly to have comic-collecting goals, but without them, I’ve just been buying things willy-nilly. (Why on earth do I have an Aquaman compilation? Nobody needs an Aquaman compilation.) With some goals for my collecting, I can focus on what’s important to me.

Earlier this month, I wrote:

There is nothing wrong with buying things that you will use and enjoy. That’s the purpose of money. If you’re spending less than you earn, meeting your needs, and saving or the future, it’s a wonderful thing to be able to afford the things that make life easier and more pleasurable. But when you purchase things based solely on the idea of having, I believe you’ve crossed the line from using money as a tool to becoming a tool for money.

For a long time, I’ve been collecting comics because I liked the idea of having them.

Kris, who views comics as a waste of time and money, would probably prefer I just got rid of them all, but I enjoy them. Now that I have no consumer debt, I can afford to spend a little money on them, and I’m happy to do it.

This isn’t really about the comics, though. It’s about taking a hobby I enjoy and determining why it brings me pleasure. It’s about setting limits, about setting goals, and about turning a collection of Stuff into a books I will read and enjoy.

Next: How I discovered that May 1980 marked the start of my “golden age” of collecting.

Self-Disciplinarian

It sucks to have a lack of self-discipline.

The month of August was rough for me. For a variety of reasons, I was under tremendous stress. My response was to do all the bad things I could think of, and do them a lot. I ate a lot of junk food. I drank a lot of alcohol. I played a lot of World of Warcraft (and other videogames). I did not write, did not exercise, and did not do my chores around the house. I gained 9 pounds between the end of July and the end of August. Unsurprisingly, my depression returned with a vengeance. It was a mess.

Fortunately, I knew it was a mess. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to stop. In the end, I decided to confess my self-destructive behavior to Kris. She wasn’t happy, of course — who can blame her? I wasn’t happy, either — but she listened patiently, and then helped me get my shit together.

And I have managed to get my shit together. It’s shocking, but good. In the past ten days, I’ve stopped eating junk food, stopped drinking alcohol, and deleted World of Warcraft from my computer. I’ve begun exercising again. I’m eating better (still not perfect, but much better than I was). I’m getting my chores done. I’m answering e-mail. And, best of all, I’m writing.

In fact, I’m writing so much that I’m almost a week ahead at Get Rich Slowly. Just two weeks ago, I was scrambling for every post.

I wonder why it is I sometimes lack self-discipline. If I knew, I could fix it. Sometimes this “flaw” makes life fun, but only in the short-term. (Long-term, it almost always makes life worse.)

Anyhow, things are back on course. I’m exercising, writing, and eating right. Now the key is to keep things going!

The Curse of Clutter

While Mom was in the hospital, Kris and I spent several hours at her house cleaning. I’ve noticed before that it’s easy to see the clutter in another person’s house, and this time was no different.

The trouble is that it’s difficult to see the clutter in your own house. Coming home from our cleaning trips, I could look around and see that there was too much Stuff around us. I could see that there was lots of stuff I could sell or give away. But I don’t know how to start.

I’ve spent the past year or so working to thin the amount of Stuff I own, and after each session, I feel like I’m down to bare bones. I know I’m not, but that’s how it feels.

Now, looking around my office, I wonder what I could part with. My personal finance books? My comic strip compilations? My comic book compilations? My music collection? I don’t know. I’m paralyzed by indecision, so I never start.

The workshop is worse. That’s my staging ground for the Stuff I’ve decided to get rid of, but which I haven’t actually been able to act upon. There are piles of books and records and who-knows-what-else sitting out there. Cleaning experts say that if you haven’t used something in a year, you should get rid of it. There are lots of things like that in the workshop, and yet I cannot pull the trigger.

Sometimes I feel like I should hire a “cleaning consultant” to come in and purge for me. Maybe Andrew or Pam would do the job for me. I’ve seen both of them ruthlessly purge clutter in the past.

Meanwhile, I’ll just sit around looking at all my Stuff.

Too Much Time Away

Strange. I haven’t written anything since last Wednesday or Thursday. Now that it’s time to get some stuff ready for the morning, I find that I don’t have it in me. My writing muscles won’t flex. They’ve atrophied. It’s great to take time off, but I find that this is sometimes the result — I forget how to write.

The solution? I spend an hour or two “freewriting”, simply jotting whatever is on the top of my head. Like this. Most of what I produce during this time will be unusable, but that’s okay. The point is to get the writing muscles working again.

The real trouble tonight, however, is I’d really rather be watching a movie. Turns out we don’t own Raiders of the Lost Ark — which is what I’m craving — so I guess I’ll get back to work instead.