Seven Principles That Guide My Life

When I was younger, I made fun of self-help books. I thought they were cheesy. They didn’t seem to have any utility for my life. But now that I’m older, I’m also a little wiser. I’ve discovered that at the right time and place, certain self-help books can be valuable.

How I Found Freedom in an Unfree WorldMy favorite book of this type is Harry Browne’s How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World, a 38-year-old treatise on personal responsibility. This book changed my life.

But last winter, as I was working through some of the heavier things from my divorce, I found solace in two other books: The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. These are just the sorts of books I used to mock, but I’ll admit that I found they held profound truths for where I was in life. They still do.

These, for example, are the four agreements (with a bit of rephrasing by me):

  • Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid speaking against yourself or gossiping about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
  • Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own experience. When you’re immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
  • Don’t Make Assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.
  • Always Do Your Best. Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you’ll avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

The fourth agreement wasn’t really a problem for me. I always try to do my best. And the first one wasn’t really an issue either. Yes, I fib now and then, and yes, I can gossip at times. But mostly I try to steer clear of these things, and I generally try to tell the truth (I’m a horrible liar).

But the second and third of Ruiz’s principles? Well, those are problems. I do have a tendency to take things personally, and I do often make assumptions. For all of 2012, though, I’ve been working hard to change both of these habits. In fact, I’ve noticed that if I’m feeling unhappy, it’s usually because I’m taking something personally or I’m making assumptions.

Or maybe I’m unhappy because I’m not present in the moment. I have a rich internal life, and at times I can get lost in the web of my own thoughts. This isn’t a bad thing necessarily. This rich internal life is the source of my imagination. It’s helped me succeed as a writer. But it becomes problematic when I’m stuck in my head instead of mentally present with my friends. (And being stuck in my head sometimes makes it tough for me to answer questions or to tell stories.)

That’s why I’ve also spent this year trying to remind myself of the “power of now”, as Eckhart Tolle calls it. Here’s my summary of his philosophy:

  • Be present in the moment. Accept life for what it is, without labels or judgment. Yield to events; don’t block them. Go with the flow. Nothing exists outside the present moment: Don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future. Improve the quality of the here and now.

I love that last bit: Improve the quality of the here and now. How can I make today better? How can I make this moment better? That’s what I need to focus on in my life. And I have been, for the most part. Sometimes I forget to do this, and that can lead to unhappiness — for myself and others. But I’m committed to making this a way of life.

Finally, here are a couple of other pieces from my personal philosophy. I call the first bit “Michelle’s Law” after the friend who helped me articulate the idea:

  • Create your own certainty. Don’t allow your well-being to be dependent on the choices of others. Be proactive.

Make your own way in the world, and choose happiness.There’s a lot contained in those few words. I’m instantly reminded of Harry Browne (whom I mentioned earlier) and of Ayn Rand. Both advocate living in such a way that your health and happiness aren’t dependent on the actions of others. Obviously, you can’t be completely disconnected (nor would you want to), but to the degree that you can act independently, you have greater control over your future happiness.

Speaking of happiness, that brings me to my own maxim, something I call “J.D.’s Law”. If you’ve read me for a while, you know that I consider personal happiness one of the highest ideals (and perhaps the highest ideal). In this way, I’m similar to Aristotle. In fact, I very much like Aristotle’s conception of happiness, which he called eudaimonia. To him (and to me), happiness wasn’t just about hedonistic pleasure. It was also about pursuing excellence and living in a way that is congruent with personal beliefs. (I think of his eudaimonia as being similar to Csíkszentmihályi’s flow.)

So, my fundamental law is this:

  • Choose happiness. Do work and play that brings fulfillment. Spend time with people that build you up, not those who bring you down. Strip from your life the things that take time, money, and energy, but which do not bring you joy. Focus on the essentials.

My personal philosophy is constantly developing. It is not fixed. As you all know, I’ve changed much in the past twenty or thirty years. I’m certain I’ll change more in the years I have left on this earth. Ultimately, however, my aim is to be the best person I can be — now and in the future.

Footnote: For an extended look at the principles that guide my life, check out my list of 43 lessons from 43 years, which I published at my personal finance blog last March.

Change: The Art of Personal Transformation

Note: While working on the videos for World Domination Summit 2012, I had a chance to watch a bit of my own presentation. Because it does a good job of capturing who I am at this moment and what I believe, I wanted to share it here at More Than Money. The text version of this talk first appeared at Get Rich Slowly in July.


My talk about personal transformation from World Domination Summit 2012

My name is J.D. and I am an introvert. Or at least I used to be. As a boy, my introversion created problems. I was awkward physically and I was awkward socially. I was strange.

My awkwardness only increased as I grew older. I hung around with the other strange kids. We were nerds. There was a band of us, about six boys, and as we progressed through the grades, we gravitated toward each other. In our free time, we’d hang out to read comic books or play Dungeons and Dragons.

This was back during the late seventies and early eighties, and we were among the first to have computers. While other kids were doing what other kids did, we were home learning to write our own computer programs, reading Superman and Spiderman comics, or pretending to be barbarians or wizards or trolls.

At the time, I didn’t know I was different from other kids. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I liked what I was doing and I liked my friends. Life was good.

I was an awkward boy.Things changed, though, when I got to junior high school. Gradually I became aware of a certain social hierarchy. What’s more, I became aware that my friends and I were at the bottom of this social hierarchy.

We were always the last kids picked for kickball teams. Nobody wanted to be our lab partners in biology. When my pal Jeremy carried his Dungeons and Dragons books from class to class, the other kids would knock them to the floor if he got up to sharpen his pencil.

One day in algebra class, the girl behind me — Janine was her name — the girl behind me wrote something on the back of my shirt. I kept turning around to ask her to stop, but she kept writing. The other kids kept snickering. After class, I went to the bathroom to see what she’d written. There, in big block letters, was the word DICK. She’d written DICK on the back of my shirt.

That’s who I was. I was the bottom of the junior-high pecking order. I was a nerd. A geek. A loser. The other kids thought I was a dick. And slowly but surely, I began to believe them. In fact, as eighth grade progressed, I sank into a deep depression. I missed school. I withdrew. I became suicidal.

I remember coming home from school after one particularly horrific day — maybe even the same day Janine wrote the word DICK on the back of my shirt — I remember coming home to our trailer house, searching the cupboards for something to eat. I opened one of the kitchen drawers, and there I found a sharp knife. I took it out and sat at the table. For maybe five or ten minutes, I sat staring at the blade. I ran it over my wrist once or twice. “I could kill myself,” I thought. “I could kill myself and this would all be over.”

Fortunately, I didn’t have the guts.

Instead, I put the knife away and went to my bedroom to read X-Men comic books.

That was a turning point for me, a key experience in my young life. As I sat at the table with knife in hand, I made a decision. I knew I wasn’t a dick. I knew I was a good guy. Why didn’t other people? I decided to change. I decided that the next year, when I started high school, I’d do new things. I’d make new friends.

And so I did.

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How Much Spanish Do You Need in Peru?

For the past four months, I’ve been learning Spanish. Three times a week, I meet my tutor, Aly, for ninety minutes of conjugation and conversation. Plus, I spend a lot of time on my own reading Spanish books (and comics), listening to Spanish music, and practicing Spanish flash cards. Basically, I’m in love with the language; if I could do this full-time, I would.

At home, It’s been tough to gauge my practice. Things move too slowly. Aly assures me I’m doing well, but sometimes I don’t believe her. I get frustrated with my progress because I can see there’s still so much to learn!

So, I came here to Peru worried that I wouldn’t be able to cope with the language barrier. I knew the present tense, the future tense, the conditional tense, and both past tenses. But I don’t know the subjunctive, and my skill with irregular verbs of all types is abysmal. Plus, my vocabulary still seems weak. And it’s tough for me to hear the language, let alone speak it.

But after four days here, I’m feeling very confident. I’m nowhere near fluent — that’s going to take years of work — but apparently four months of Spanish is enough to get by in Peru. (Assuming those four months have been spent in diligent study.) What do I mean?

I’ve been able to carry on conversations with several tour guides and all sorts of shop owners. They seem to get a kick out of it. They correct my mistakes, but many of them compliment my Spanish. Maybe they say nice things to everyone, I don’t know. But I suspect their praise is indicative of three things:

  • Most of them are learning English, and that’s a struggle for them too. Sometimes my Spanish is better than a tour guide’s English even though they’ve spent years studying. Because our skills are similar, I think that leads them to compliment me.
  • Most of the people with whom I’m traveling (Australians and Canadians, mostly) have little or no Spanish. By comparison, of course mine is better. So maybe the compliments just mean my Spanish is better than the average tourist.
  • I’m not afraid to try. Most folks are afraid to look like fools. I’m not. On this trip, I’m ignoring fear. I’m just speaking. I get a lot wrong, and I know it. I also get a lot right. But more than that, I’m making an effort, and people seem to appreciate it.

That last point is so important. In fact, I’d argue that it’s the key to to language learning. Most of my companions who know a bit of Spanish never speak it because they’re afraid to feel embarrassed. I just use my words as best I can (steering clear of those damn irregular verbs). I get by.

In fact, I do better than just get by. I have fun asking Peruvians about their lives, and they seem to enjoy sharing, if only for a few minutes. Plus, I get people on my side. When I talk to them in their language, they smile. They offer to do more for me (except that taxi driver in Lima, who took more from me).

Note: Because I’m willing to speak Spanish, I’ve acted as translator a few times on the trip. How fun is that? If we’re somewhere that the locals don’t speak English, I get to use my Spanish to moderate to order food or buy trekking gear. (But if Nigel or Rae are along, they get to play this role. Their Spanish is better.) And I helped one fellow pull money out of a Spanish-only ATM.

I think my favorite moment so far has been getting a shave. I’ve never had anyone else shave me before, but when I saw our hotel in Cuzco offered shaves for ten soles (about $4), how could I refuse? I asked the woman in the salon, Rosmarina, if she could shave barbas y bigotes. She smiled and said she could.

Getting a Shave in Cuzco
Rosmarina hacking away at my beard.

My beard is tough — “muy fuerte” is what Rosmarina and I decided — so the process was something of an ordeal for both of us, but we made it through. (It’s because of these tough whiskers that I have a beard and moustache in the first place — it’s painful to shave.) Rosmarina had told me she spoke English, but I think my Spanish was better, so we used that. She complimented me on my abilities.

I should note, however, that I don’t do well with time pressure. I have great chats in Spanish when the other person can take the time to help me along. But if they’re under time contraints — taking an order in a restaurant, say, or ringing up a purchase in a busy bookstore — I’ve found it’s better to switch to English.

But if I have time to talk with the other party? Well, things are great. Yesterday, I was talking with one of the tour guides, and he asked me how long I’d been learning Spanish. “Four months,” I said. He was surprised. “But your accent is perfect.” I laughed heartily at that one. My accent is terrible. But again, I try. And that’s what counts.

I’m not sharing these things to brag. There’s little to brag about. I have many frustrating conversations in which the other person doesn’t understand me and I don’t understand them. Instead, I’m trying to show that it’s very possible to get by in Peru with only four months of Spanish. I want to show the power of making an effort, to illustrate why you should embrace the imperfection. And I want you to understand how much of a psychological boost you can get just from that.

Success breeds success. When you take risks and are rewarded, it makes you more willing to take more risks in the future. It’s important to fail too, of course, but I’m finding that four months of Spanish is certainly enough to get by in Peru.

I don’t plan to stop here, though. When I get home, it’s back to lessons with Aly. I don’t want to just get by in Spanish. I want to become fluent!

Niall Doherty Practices Spanish

While editing a guest post for my personal finance blog, I found this seven-minute video from Niall Doherty. In this clip, Doherty, who has been learning Spanish for 3-1/2 months, carries on a casual conversation with two friends he’s made in Spain.

I like this exchange for several reasons. First, it’s subtitled. Second, this shows Doherty’s Spanish skills at 3-1/2 months, about six weeks ahead of where I am today. (I can see my skills being similar to Doherty’s in a few weeks.) Third, I like to see the effort he makes, the mistakes he makes, and how he’s able to converse anyhow. He’s unfazed. That’s awesome. It takes me a l-o-n-g time to compose sentences in Spanish, which makes conversations awkward. It takes Doherty a while too. I love watching him search for the right word. It’s not just me!

Tomorrow, Aly (my tutor) and I are going to break free of our coffee shop confines and go for a walk. I hope to converse entirely in Spanish. I think my strengths and shortcomings (especially with regards to vocabulary) will become clear very quickly. It’ll be fun!

Meanwhile, I’ve begun to rough out an itinerary for my October trip. I had intended to spend most of my time in Ecuador, with side trips to Peru (for Machu Picchu) and the Galapagos, but after doing some reading, I’m really, really drawn to the area around Cusco, Peru. I found a $35/night lodge that offers wi-fi. The price is good, the location great, and I could see myself holing up there for an entire month.

We’ll see.

For now, I’ll leave you with another video from Doherty: How to fit everything you own into a 42-liter backpack. (My pack is a 46-liter pack from REI.)

How to Learn Spanish — Fast!

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone -- in Spanish!Last night, I finished reading the first chapter of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone. In Spanish. What makes this remarkable is that eight weeks ago, I could barely read a word of Spanish. In the past two months, I’ve gone from only knowing how to swear in the language to being able to read passably well, to hear enough to get the general feel of a conversation, and to speak at least well enough to be understood.

How did I do it? I threw time and money at the problem.

Expert advice
After the World Domination Summit ended in early June, I set a goal to travel. I spent a week poring over an almanac before deciding to start my solo adventures in Latin America. (I actually decided to start in England, but that trip had to be postponed so that I could take care of things on the home front.)

In order to make my adventures in Ecuador or Guatemala or Peru more enjoyable, I knew I wanted to learn Spanish. I’d taken a semester of Spanish nearly 25 years ago during my freshman year of college, but all that I remembered were common curses and jokes about cows. I didn’t know where to begin, so I contacted my new friend Benny Lewis, the Irish polyglot.

Note: Benny is a young man who has been traveling the world on the cheap for the past nine years. As he travels, he learns languages. He speaks eight languages fluently, and hopes to learn more. (He’s been learning Turkish since I met him in June. In Turkey, naturally.) Benny shares tips and tricks about language learning at his site, Fluent in 3 Months, and in his e-book, The Language Hacking Guide.

“The best way to learn a language is to immerse yourself,” Benny told me. “Travel to a country that speaks Spanish and spend all day with people who speak it. That’s how I learn.”

“What’s the second-best way to learn?” I asked.

“If you can afford it?” Benny said. “Hire a private tutor.” So I did.

I looked at the local Craigslist listings until I found a likely candidate. I e-mailed to set up an initial consultation. One morning in the middle of June, I met Aly at a local coffee shop.

Mi Profesora
Aly is a young-ish woman (she won’t allow me to ask her age) originally from Lima, Peru. When she was twelve, she began learning English from a private tutor. After graduate school, she headed to Minnesota. (Or maybe she came to Minnesota for graduate school — I can’t remember the sequence.) She didn’t like it in Minnesota, though, so she came west. She now lives in the Portland area and makes a full-time living by tutoring people like me.

Our first meeting went well. Aly liked that I seemed motivated, and I liked that she was both intelligent and funny. We agreed to work together. For the past two months, we’ve met three times a week for ninety minutes a session. Sometimes my progress seems slow — I’ve been stuck on the past tense(s) for weeks now! — but other times it seems brisk. All of the time, Aly adjusts the lessons to my needs.

Today, for instance, we spent half an hour discussing geopolitics in English. I borrowed a book from a friend — Las venas abiertas de América Latina — and when I showed it Aly, she talked at length about the history of Latin America. It was awesome. (Aly has promised to bring me mp3s of the abridged version of this book tomorrow. She says it’ll be good practice for me to listen to it.)

Note: One thing that’s different about learning a language now versus learning a language in school is that now I’m motivated. Back then, it was a requirement. Today, I want to learn so that I can communicate with my Spanish-speaking friends, and so that I can travel well. I’m much more willing to work than in the past.

Other sources
But it’s not just my tutor that’s helping me learn Spanish so quickly. I’m also devoting lots of time to independent study. I study as I walk to and from the gym each morning. I study whenever I drive. I study at the dinner table. I study whenever I can.

In addition to Aly, I:

  • Use flashcards on my iPhone and iPad. There are several flashcard apps, but I settled on Flashcards Deluxe, which allows me to dowload free “decks” of cards and work through them at my own pace. I like that the app allows for spaced repetition, and that it has an option for writing your answer with your finger. (This keeps me honest.)
  • Do practice problems in workbooks — just like when you were in school. These workbooks are cheap and effective when combined with other learning methods. My Spanish Verb Tenses book cost me twelve bucks, and it’s worth ten times as much. (It can be had for $6.44 from Amazon!)
  • Listen to Mexican radio. I told my friend Jose that I’d been listening to traditional Mexican oom-pah music (not sure which style that actually is — banda?), and he promptly made a list of about ten Portland-area radio stations that cater to the Mexican population. (I say Mexican because most of the latinos in the area are from Mexico, and the radio stations bill themselves as playing Mexican music.) My favorite is 93.5 “exitos, which plays Spanish-language pop — especially dance music. The music on this station is very J.D.
  • Read children’s books. I’m reading Harry Potter, as I mentioned, but I have other books in the wings: Las telearañas de Carlota, La casa de la pradera, and El Hobbit. Most of these take a lot of work, so in the meantime I’ve been reading basic books, including those from Dr. Seuss. And Aly’s always bringing me new ones, like Pato para presidente (which is hilarious in Spanish or English).
  • Choose the Spanish option whenever possible. My iPhone and iPad are now set to Spanish. When I call automated telephone systems (as I’ve been doing when taking care of my mother’s finances), I choose the Spanish-language menu. If a magazine has a Spanish feature, I read it. If instructions are in Spanish, I use those instead of English.
  • Read BBC Mundo. This Spanish-language news site is written at a relatively low level, like all newspapers and magazines. In other words, it’s perfect for me. I can now read nearly every article. Watching the videos is much more difficult, but that’s okay.
  • Make use of Google Translate. This online tool is amazing. It’s a great way to check your own translations and to parse difficult phrases. (“Que podría tener algo que ver con” — what the hell does that mean? Actually, Google Translate doesn’t get it right either — it’s idiomatic, and Aly had to explain it to me.) The iPhone app is like magic: Speak into it with one language, and the app translates your speech to another. It’s like Star Trek‘s universal translator!
  • Practice with Rosetta Stone. This (expensive) software uses an immersion-like method to drill in basic language skills. It’s good as far as it goes, but I found that working independently I was able to quickly outpace the software. I’m constantly having to skip lessons to catch up with my current level. This might be a good choice if I weren’t using a tutor, but as it is, I wish I hadn’t spent money on Rosetta Stone.
  • Speak Spanish (if clumsily) with native speakers. This is by far the best way to learn. It’s also the most intimidating. It’s scary to try my Spanish with real people. I know it’s poor, and I don’t want to look like a fool. But you know what? Nobody has laughed at me so far. In fact, everyone’s been very supportive, especially my Spanish-speaking friends. (But even the gas station attendant, who smiled as he responded to my lousy Spanish!)

So although I’ve had to tap my travel fund to pay for my Spanish tutor, I’ve also been spending a lot of time with free (or low-cost) learning sources. Taken as a whole, these tools have helped me make great progress in the past eight weeks.

Obviously, I haven’t mastered Spanish yet — I’ve barely begun to learn! — but I’ve made great progress in the past two months, and I hope to make further strides in the six weeks before I leave for Latin America.